Pity Party, table for 1

I don’t usually get too serious here- for the most part I like my blog to stay light, fun, and full of food.  But sometimes I like to broach a more serious matter because it’s something I’m struggling with and I’m sure others out there are struggling with the same and maybe it would help them if I shared.

So today we’re going to talk about feeling sorry for yourself.

We all do it sometimes, and I’m not saying that’s a bad thing.  But I find I do it a lot.  Like sometimes it’s an everyday occurrence.  And when you feel sorry for yourself on a regular basis it becomes obsessive and that’s when it becomes a problem.  It can become addictive!

Sometimes the smallest thing can trigger me feeling sorry for myself and I end up wallowing in it all day and I find that I completely wasted my day feeling sorry for myself.  Some of the things that have set me off this past year include:

  • My car has been in the shop most of the summer.  I was so excited about being able to get my car paid off and as soon as I did it broke down. It’s now on it’s third trip to the shop and we’ve already spent around $2,000 on it this summer.  This past trip into the shop I felt sorry for myself for a whole week!  I just wallowed and wallowed, it was ridiculous!
  • Grades.  My school grades are good.  A 3.71 GPA is nothing to sniff at.  It’s soooo much better than the last time I went through college (I barely scraped a 3.0) and yet I feel bad about it?  When I see all the people bragging about their 4.0’s (don’t get me wrong I think that’s amazing- I’d be bragging if I had a 4.0 too!) it makes me feel like a complete dunce.  I love school.  I love learning.  I’m just not naturally smart or good at it so I have to work my butt off for a B in my science classes.  But I can never feel a sense of accomplishment for that because there’s always someone that’s done better.  So I wallow and feel sorry for myself about how stupid I am.  This one is a vicious circle and happens every semester when final grades come out.  Sigh.
  • Weight loss.  Every time I think I am doing good or had a fantastic week I’ll step on the scale for my weigh in and will have gained 2-3 lbs.  And of course that triggers me feeling sorry for myself for days or even weeks sometimes.
  • Getting behind in my degree.  Last year financial aid decided I made too much money (which I still don’t understand because I didn’t even have a job) so I had to get a job to pay for most of my tuition, my books, and my gas.  I also had to drop a couple of classes and was only able to take 2 classes a semester.  Of course that put me behind which was frustrating enough.  But the first semester I worked 40 hrs a week (at a labor intense job) and I was so stressed out trying to balance it with my crazy commute and my classes, not to mention physically exhausted from the hard labor and being on my feet 8-10 hrs a day.  Let’s just say there was not much energy left for studying- I was barely able to drag myself to bed when I got home from work much less study!  Last year I fell into the deepest depression I’ve ever been in my whole life.  When I look back on it I’m not sure how I survived it much less how I pulled myself out of it.

These are just a few of many things this past year.  For me these pity parties are almost always a tale tale sign of depression.  Wallowing in my own self pity.  Buried in it.  Not sure how to pull myself out. 

Plan of action.  If I don’t start the pity party, it won’t lead to depression.  So here is my plan of action for combatting it.  These are things that I’m starting to work on every day, but I think that it’s helping!

  • Raise your awareness. Do you justify your self pity?  Do you play a victim in your own head?  Do depression and anxiety accompany?  It’s good to be aware of the things that trigger your self pity- be honest with yourself when you answer these questions.
  • Zero tolerance policy.  I cannot tell you how much this one helps me when I enforce it!!  Don’t allow yourself to wallow.  Don’t even go there.  Don’t let yourself indulge- not even a little!
  • Build your self-esteem and focus on the positive.  This is the thing I struggle the most with and need to do the most work on.  I don’t have much self-esteem for various reasons I won’t get into quite yet.  I work on this every day, but it’s very hard for me.  (anyone have any tips?)
  • The glass is half-full…  Focus on gratitude.  What are you thankful for?  Finish this sentence: Today I am grateful because…   I’ve started doing this and it helps tremendously!
  • Prayer.  Ask for help.  This helps me so so much.  Every day I ask God to help me have a positive attitude and to help me be kind to people even if they’re not kind to me.  (If you don’t pray then you could just skip this one or maybe you could try meditation?)
  • Physical exercise! Get those endorphins going my friend and you will feel an amazing sense of peace come over you!
  • Change your perspective.  find the silver lining in any bad situation.  Learn from it.  Move on!  You can’t change what happened, so don’t dwell on it!


These are some things that are helping me right now.  It’s something I struggle with every day, but the more I work on it the easier it gets!  And just to add my disclaimer- I’m in no way a Dr. or a Psychiatrist so if you have serious problems with depression please see your doctor.



Rants, raves, and waves

Wow- what a week it’s been… and it’s only Wednesday!!  I had to make some tough decisions about school and life this week.  This semester has pretty much been a complete waste of time and it’s wrapping up probably the worst year of my life! 

This year has been terrible starting with being screwed over by financial aid so much that I had to go back to work.  I do like my job but I have to say that it’s really exhausting.  It’s all physical labor and heavy lifting and by the end of my shift I am completely drained and all I want to do is go to bed. (though lifting those huge bags of sugar, flour, and granola have my arms looking pretty rocking lately!!)  The next day I always feel like I have a hangover and am so tired I can’t focus in class and find myself fighting sleep the whole lecture.  At the end of lecture I have no idea what we went over.

I also found myself spiraling into a depression.  I never said anything about it (not even to the husband) because sometimes it feels silly to feel that way.  I feel like I have no reason to be depressed because I have it so much better than a lot of other people in this world.  However the fact is that I still felt this way and there came a point a couple of weeks ago that I knew I had to deal with it before it got out of control.


First I dropped a class.  I was failing (seriously I’ve never failed before and I think maybe that’s what started this whole spiral).  The teacher was HORRIBLE.  The labs were complete unorganized chaos- no one ever knew what was going on.  I couldn’t learn anything and I couldn’t handle the stress of it.  And she’s the ONLY person at the whole school that teaches the class.  Awesome.  So in the fall I’m going to take it at a community college and transfer it.  It fits in perfectly with my TWU schedule so I definitely think it was the right decision for me!

Then I decided that I’m going to have to quit my job at the end of the summer. I’ve gotten some great experience(that I can use to my advantage on my internship application!)  and made some great friends working at Central Market and I still love that place.  But this year being what it was I was starting to lose sight of the reason I wanted to go back to school in the first place as well as the joy I felt for the profession I was choosing to go into.

Then I started looking at all of my financial aid forms that I submitted for next year.  Without getting into financial details everything there is looking good- don’t know what happened last year, but my financial aid should be okay for next year.  Then we started looking at our budget.  We decided to switch to Dave Ramsey’s cash envelope system- it’s only been about two weeks but I’m LOVING it so far!!!!  I am so happy to cut ties with my debit and credit cards and to know that I really don’t need them!  I think it will take some time to really notice a difference with our savings and to get a few things paid off but I’m already noticing a difference in the way we spend so I’m thrilled!

So now that I knew that I was going to be leaving my job and concentrating on school full time that took a huge HUGE burden off of my shoulders.  But I still couldn’t quite pull myself out of that hole.  So I did two things that I knew would help…1) I prayed.  A lot.  2) I exercised.  A lot.

I pray when I wake up.  I pray on the drive to school.  I started praying before class for a clear and focused mind.  And soon I found focus, joy, and peace that I haven’t felt in a very long time.  God is good!

I also started exercising way more.  Which really was because of Laura– she got me thinking about a 10K, invited me to do a 5K and got me thinking about how much I really enjoyed running.  There was no way she could have known what she was doing but by getting me interested in running again she helped me in a way I couldn’t have imagined! (thanks Laura!)  Now instead of focusing on the exercise because of weight loss or getting fit I started thinking of it as medicine.  I concentrate on how it makes me feel after a good workout.  The amazing high I get at the end of a run, especially a tough one.  I focus on the lovely rush of endorphins that flood through me during and after my workout.  I’ve found that using exercise as medicine has really given me a better sense of mental balance, a much happier mood, and TONS more energy! 

I’m very happy to say that I think I’ve pulled myself out of the funk.  And all within the last two weeks.  It was a fairly immediate change and I’m proud of myself for realizing what was going on and doing something before it got worse.  I still find myself having moments but I quickly catch myself and snap out of it.

I also planned out the rest of my post-bac career.  I sat down with my degree plan and while the crappy-ness of this year has added an extra year to my plan I think it will work out okay.  My last year I will have fewer classes so I can really concentrate on doing well in them.  This also gives me more time to do stuff to put on my internship application.  I’m going to try to do some shadowing, lots of volunteer work, and maybe get involved on campus a little more.

This was a lot of sharing for me and much more mushy gushy than I usually like to be, but sometimes it’s good to just get things out there- know what I mean?

Have a lovely day!  Till tomorrow…