I don’t usually get too serious here- for the most part I like my blog to stay light, fun, and full of food. But sometimes I like to broach a more serious matter because it’s something I’m struggling with and I’m sure others out there are struggling with the same and maybe it would help them if I shared.
So today we’re going to talk about feeling sorry for yourself.
We all do it sometimes, and I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. But I find I do it a lot. Like sometimes it’s an everyday occurrence. And when you feel sorry for yourself on a regular basis it becomes obsessive and that’s when it becomes a problem. It can become addictive!
Sometimes the smallest thing can trigger me feeling sorry for myself and I end up wallowing in it all day and I find that I completely wasted my day feeling sorry for myself. Some of the things that have set me off this past year include:
- My car has been in the shop most of the summer. I was so excited about being able to get my car paid off and as soon as I did it broke down. It’s now on it’s third trip to the shop and we’ve already spent around $2,000 on it this summer. This past trip into the shop I felt sorry for myself for a whole week! I just wallowed and wallowed, it was ridiculous!
- Grades. My school grades are good. A 3.71 GPA is nothing to sniff at. It’s soooo much better than the last time I went through college (I barely scraped a 3.0) and yet I feel bad about it? When I see all the people bragging about their 4.0’s (don’t get me wrong I think that’s amazing- I’d be bragging if I had a 4.0 too!) it makes me feel like a complete dunce. I love school. I love learning. I’m just not naturally smart or good at it so I have to work my butt off for a B in my science classes. But I can never feel a sense of accomplishment for that because there’s always someone that’s done better. So I wallow and feel sorry for myself about how stupid I am. This one is a vicious circle and happens every semester when final grades come out. Sigh.
- Weight loss. Every time I think I am doing good or had a fantastic week I’ll step on the scale for my weigh in and will have gained 2-3 lbs. And of course that triggers me feeling sorry for myself for days or even weeks sometimes.
- Getting behind in my degree. Last year financial aid decided I made too much money (which I still don’t understand because I didn’t even have a job) so I had to get a job to pay for most of my tuition, my books, and my gas. I also had to drop a couple of classes and was only able to take 2 classes a semester. Of course that put me behind which was frustrating enough. But the first semester I worked 40 hrs a week (at a labor intense job) and I was so stressed out trying to balance it with my crazy commute and my classes, not to mention physically exhausted from the hard labor and being on my feet 8-10 hrs a day. Let’s just say there was not much energy left for studying- I was barely able to drag myself to bed when I got home from work much less study! Last year I fell into the deepest depression I’ve ever been in my whole life. When I look back on it I’m not sure how I survived it much less how I pulled myself out of it.
These are just a few of many things this past year. For me these pity parties are almost always a tale tale sign of depression. Wallowing in my own self pity. Buried in it. Not sure how to pull myself out.
Plan of action. If I don’t start the pity party, it won’t lead to depression. So here is my plan of action for combatting it. These are things that I’m starting to work on every day, but I think that it’s helping!
- Raise your awareness. Do you justify your self pity? Do you play a victim in your own head? Do depression and anxiety accompany? It’s good to be aware of the things that trigger your self pity- be honest with yourself when you answer these questions.
- Zero tolerance policy. I cannot tell you how much this one helps me when I enforce it!! Don’t allow yourself to wallow. Don’t even go there. Don’t let yourself indulge- not even a little!
- Build your self-esteem and focus on the positive. This is the thing I struggle the most with and need to do the most work on. I don’t have much self-esteem for various reasons I won’t get into quite yet. I work on this every day, but it’s very hard for me. (anyone have any tips?)
- The glass is half-full… Focus on gratitude. What are you thankful for? Finish this sentence: Today I am grateful because… I’ve started doing this and it helps tremendously!
- Prayer. Ask for help. This helps me so so much. Every day I ask God to help me have a positive attitude and to help me be kind to people even if they’re not kind to me. (If you don’t pray then you could just skip this one or maybe you could try meditation?)
- Physical exercise! Get those endorphins going my friend and you will feel an amazing sense of peace come over you!
- Change your perspective. find the silver lining in any bad situation. Learn from it. Move on! You can’t change what happened, so don’t dwell on it!
These are some things that are helping me right now. It’s something I struggle with every day, but the more I work on it the easier it gets! And just to add my disclaimer- I’m in no way a Dr. or a Psychiatrist so if you have serious problems with depression please see your doctor.
Great post Sarah! Sometimes it can be hard to decide when to “feel” your feelings and not repress them and when you have gone past that and become a wallower. I also find it hard when you really DO have things to wallow about. But you are absolutely right that it can turn self-destructive so quickly. I LOVE your gratitude idea and will definitely be adopting it. 🙂 xoxo
I’m so happy that you posted about this, especially after some of the conversations we had over the past week.
I self-wallow all the time and as I know you know, I struggle all the time with negativity and my self esteem. These are things I work on every day. Someone told me once that self esteem (as well as motivation) doesn’t come automatically. It comes from work, effort and success. The harder you work to accomplish something, the more self esteem you’ll feel and it will start you on a positive circle where your self esteem automatically grows. You just have to convince yourself to put the effort in at first with the open promise of good results to follow.
I think the best thing you can do is follow the steps you’ve outlined for yourself and remember that even those people that are accomplishing things you aren’t (like a 4.0) can feel jealous of you about something they are lacking in their life. No one has the perfect life and I find myself remembering that all the time when I struggle with comparing myself others.
I also think we discussed some of these hot button issues that you feel pity over and put a few plans into place to fix them! I know you can do it and you know I’ll be right there with you 🙂
I also have to say that mean talk myself a lot. If I don’t accomplish something I wanted or don’t have a good weigh in, I will get mad at myself and trash talk myself. Which does wonders for my self esteem, let me tell you. Not sure if you do this as well, but it’s just a point to consider that any type of negative self talk is bad for us.
I think the people you surround yourself with is also really important to keep you from wallowing in self pity. People who help build you up (to go along with your point on self-esteem) and help you find the positive side of things even when you’re struggling to see them yourself.
For me learning to let go of things is what helped me most. Things happen that our outside of our control, and sometimes they suck. It’s a fact of life, and sometimes there’s absolutely nothing you can do about these things. Instead of dwelling on things you can’t change, focus your energy on things that make you happy and you do have some control over.
Oh and if you ever need help finding the silver lining, hit me up. I can find the silver living in anything. Ask Laura. I make her crazy sometimes. 🙂
I totally empathize with you right now. I’m having a hard time with keeping my confidence up. A year ago, I decided to gain a teaching certification, but since December, I have been on the job hunt with no serious prospects in sight. I’ve been working 2 jobs, and recently left one to focus on finding that right job. All summer I applied for everything in my area. When nothing came from that, I started to branch out to 3 other major areas of Texas, even if it meant being far apart from my husband. When nothing came from that I began applying for lesser paying aide positions. Here we are at the end of the first week of school. I have had a total of 4 interviews but no job offers. I understand there is a recession and more teachers looking for a job, than jobs available, but it’s hard not to take it personal. Did I not give the right answer? Should I have straightened my hair so that I didn’t look so insane? Should I have smiled more? Did my sweaty hands offend them?
Of course, it could be that the other applicants have more experience, but it still makes me question whether I’m good enough to get a job in this field. It hurts to be passed on when you thought you gave it your best shot. It’s hard not to take it personal.
I’m definitely in the middle of my pity party today. And the worst part is when your peers or family find out that you didn’t get the job and everyone tells to “Stay Positive” or “You’ll Get it Next Time”. After 4 rejections, it’s hard to maintain my optimism.
My husband always knows how to handle the funks I get into when a receive another rejection letter. He stays silent, and becomes the big spoon to my little spoon. He makes the hurt subside and for him, I’m grateful.
Thanks for the post Sarah, it’s good to know that I’m not the only one that experiences a frustratingly long period of funk-dom.