Rants, raves, and waves

Wow- what a week it’s been… and it’s only Wednesday!!  I had to make some tough decisions about school and life this week.  This semester has pretty much been a complete waste of time and it’s wrapping up probably the worst year of my life! 

This year has been terrible starting with being screwed over by financial aid so much that I had to go back to work.  I do like my job but I have to say that it’s really exhausting.  It’s all physical labor and heavy lifting and by the end of my shift I am completely drained and all I want to do is go to bed. (though lifting those huge bags of sugar, flour, and granola have my arms looking pretty rocking lately!!)  The next day I always feel like I have a hangover and am so tired I can’t focus in class and find myself fighting sleep the whole lecture.  At the end of lecture I have no idea what we went over.

I also found myself spiraling into a depression.  I never said anything about it (not even to the husband) because sometimes it feels silly to feel that way.  I feel like I have no reason to be depressed because I have it so much better than a lot of other people in this world.  However the fact is that I still felt this way and there came a point a couple of weeks ago that I knew I had to deal with it before it got out of control.


First I dropped a class.  I was failing (seriously I’ve never failed before and I think maybe that’s what started this whole spiral).  The teacher was HORRIBLE.  The labs were complete unorganized chaos- no one ever knew what was going on.  I couldn’t learn anything and I couldn’t handle the stress of it.  And she’s the ONLY person at the whole school that teaches the class.  Awesome.  So in the fall I’m going to take it at a community college and transfer it.  It fits in perfectly with my TWU schedule so I definitely think it was the right decision for me!

Then I decided that I’m going to have to quit my job at the end of the summer. I’ve gotten some great experience(that I can use to my advantage on my internship application!)  and made some great friends working at Central Market and I still love that place.  But this year being what it was I was starting to lose sight of the reason I wanted to go back to school in the first place as well as the joy I felt for the profession I was choosing to go into.

Then I started looking at all of my financial aid forms that I submitted for next year.  Without getting into financial details everything there is looking good- don’t know what happened last year, but my financial aid should be okay for next year.  Then we started looking at our budget.  We decided to switch to Dave Ramsey’s cash envelope system- it’s only been about two weeks but I’m LOVING it so far!!!!  I am so happy to cut ties with my debit and credit cards and to know that I really don’t need them!  I think it will take some time to really notice a difference with our savings and to get a few things paid off but I’m already noticing a difference in the way we spend so I’m thrilled!

So now that I knew that I was going to be leaving my job and concentrating on school full time that took a huge HUGE burden off of my shoulders.  But I still couldn’t quite pull myself out of that hole.  So I did two things that I knew would help…1) I prayed.  A lot.  2) I exercised.  A lot.

I pray when I wake up.  I pray on the drive to school.  I started praying before class for a clear and focused mind.  And soon I found focus, joy, and peace that I haven’t felt in a very long time.  God is good!

I also started exercising way more.  Which really was because of Laura– she got me thinking about a 10K, invited me to do a 5K and got me thinking about how much I really enjoyed running.  There was no way she could have known what she was doing but by getting me interested in running again she helped me in a way I couldn’t have imagined! (thanks Laura!)  Now instead of focusing on the exercise because of weight loss or getting fit I started thinking of it as medicine.  I concentrate on how it makes me feel after a good workout.  The amazing high I get at the end of a run, especially a tough one.  I focus on the lovely rush of endorphins that flood through me during and after my workout.  I’ve found that using exercise as medicine has really given me a better sense of mental balance, a much happier mood, and TONS more energy! 

I’m very happy to say that I think I’ve pulled myself out of the funk.  And all within the last two weeks.  It was a fairly immediate change and I’m proud of myself for realizing what was going on and doing something before it got worse.  I still find myself having moments but I quickly catch myself and snap out of it.

I also planned out the rest of my post-bac career.  I sat down with my degree plan and while the crappy-ness of this year has added an extra year to my plan I think it will work out okay.  My last year I will have fewer classes so I can really concentrate on doing well in them.  This also gives me more time to do stuff to put on my internship application.  I’m going to try to do some shadowing, lots of volunteer work, and maybe get involved on campus a little more.

This was a lot of sharing for me and much more mushy gushy than I usually like to be, but sometimes it’s good to just get things out there- know what I mean?

Have a lovely day!  Till tomorrow…


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